Difficult Senior Behavior: What to Do When Your Parent or Loved One is Resistive to Care or Advice

One of the most popular calls we get at A Hand to Hold is a son or daughter who literally says “Please help me, my mother/father (or both in some cases) is being so DIFFICULT!!!”  I can hear the frustration in the adult child's voice as they are so hoping we can wave our magical care manager wands towards their senior and the senior will be transformed into a compliant and willing parent who values the opinions of their loved ones and stops fighting them on every decision.  Oh how I wish I had that wand!!! Think how popular and in-demand I would be then! Well of course that wand doesn't exist (darn it) but what my many years in geriatric medicine and care has taught me is that the more we as loved ones, caregivers, and care professionals are aware of what's behind a senior's resistive attitude or behavior, the more we can work with them to find workable solutions that please all involved.

Types of Resistive Behavior

Resistance can come in many different forms. We may label behavior “difficult” because our senior is making OUR lives difficult, while our senior appears to be totally unaware of the frustration their loved ones are experiencing. What we have though, are seniors who are resistive. Resistive behavior can manifest as the following:

• Arguing with care providers or loved ones; sometimes it may feel as though they are arguing just to argue.
• The senior insisting that their way is the only or best option, that the “old way” of doing things was working just fine, or that others have no idea what they need. This insistence can occur even if the senior's “old and successful way” resulted in a broken hip and months of rehabilitation therapy.
• Making poor choices regarding safety, medical or financial issues. Often repeatedly.
• Delayed decision making or going into “shut-down” mode (may include literally locking doors, turning off/ignoring phones and more escape-from-reality behaviors).
• Isolating oneself; decreased time with loved ones, family and friends usually because they are afraid of hearing the opinions of these people (“I can't stand to see Julia anymore, all she does is nag me about using my cane.”)
• Not asking for help when visibly and obviously needs it.
• Not taking medications as prescribed.
• Not participating in prescribed physical/ exercise routines.
• Refusing parts of their hygiene routine.
• Not using suggested or prescribed physical aids such as canes, walkers, grab bars, emergency pendants.
• Not following a prescribed diet.
• Hoarding behaviors.
• Listening to the advice of people in their lives that have given notoriously poor or unsafe advice in the past.